Dear Guys Who Lie About Sleeping With Girls,

There’s a reason we didn’t sleep with you. Maybe it’s because you weren’t smooth enough. Maybe it’s because we did the standard FT (Feel Test, duh) and you were only subpar. Maybe it’s because we didn’t want to mess up our hair. Or maybe it’s because we’re just. not. sluts. But the fact that you had to lie to your broskis/brosephs/bromeos about our bedtime activities can only be because of one reason: The fact that we wouldn’t let you open our fruit bowl and insert your banana has hurt whatever pathetic ego you had to begin with.

We can get that. It’s like when we really tried to squeeze our ass into those size zero J Brands but the last froyo we had at Pinkberry just wouldn’t allow it. But we don’t go around telling our besties that yes, these really are size zero, even though the tag obvs says otherwise. We fucking deal. And we ellipt more and starve ourselves eat less and eventually, we get into the size we want.

And if those froyo toppings and that midnight bowl of Special K Chocolatey Delight that is probs twice the serving size recommended plus that handful of almonds (totally hypothetical) won’t let us ever drop from a 2 to a zero, we move on.

So you, too, need to move on. The fact that you lied about the two of us doing whatever it is you wanted the two of us to do, has made it impossible for us ever to make love right now now now (or ever). Where as you may have had a chance to play slip-n-slide in the kitchen backseat bedroom with us, now the closest you will ever get to getting your balls wet is when we play you in beer pong.

Man up, and the next time you even think about lying, remind yourself that we didn’t sleep with you because we are women of class, something you obviously need to work on.

XOXO,

All Girls Who Haven’t Slept With You

#kj