We had a question asked via our Formspring that inspired this post:
“Is it ever worth it/even possible to be friends with an ex? We’ve been broken up for a few months and he said he wants to be friends (he broke up with me). my feelings for him aren’t completely gone…but i dont want him out of my life completely…help”
To view my direct response, go here: Formspring
It IS possible to maintain a genuine friendship with an ex. But you have to understand, that this is the exception, not the rule. When a relationship is over, it doesn’t mean that you have to necessarily remove this person out of your life completely (unless they, like, killed your cat or something….RIP, Fluffykins). You just need to be honest with yourself and know when you are ready to be friends, ready to be acquaintances, or ready to let that shit burn (and by “shit,” I mean his shit that he left at your place before you caught him cheating. Bonfire, anyone?).
The top three reasons you shouldn’t “be friends” just yet (or ever)—
If you (yes, you) are the dumpee (as in, the one currently shoveling Ben & Jerry’s from a spatula down your throat and crying to The Notebook in yoga pants and his old football jersey), then you. aren’t. ready. You can pretend it was mutual or try to convince yourself that if you take him up on his “just friends” suggestion that you can eventually manipulate your way back into the GF posish (position, duh). Well, honey, I hate to break your heart twice, but you’re totes delusional. If he dumped you, odds are, he’s not coming back. And ew, why would you want him to????? Get your skinny fatass off that Dorito-covered Futon, go to the gym, wave when you see him, and pretend like you just don’t give a fuck. And guess what? When you continue to do this, you actually will end up NOT caring. At all. Oh, and don’t even CONSIDER going to that lunch date. While he may just want to check up on you, you’ll misconstrue the entire event as his attempt to reconcile and then all the progress you’ve made will be forgotten, and all you’ll be able to remember are the China patterns you want for your future home together. You aren’t ready for a friendship with him until you’re the one who cares less. Remember that. And try not to mislead yourself or anyone else into believing otherwise.
He cheated. Or did something equally awful (like, suggest you are a medium when you’re clearly a small. Or, like, take you shopping at Sears or….*gasp*….Payless). I mean, this should be a no-brainer, right? If I’m not in a relaysh with him, I shouldn’t be friends with him, either? Exactly! No matter how much you would like to pretend you’re over him and “over it,” it doesn’t matter because, hello? This guy sucks. If he was that shitty of a boyfriend, how good of a friend do you honestly think he’s going to be to you when you are no longer doing his laundry, or making his sandwich, or giving him bj’s? Snap out of it, you silly betch! If he did something so extremely unforgivable, then why would you even consider rewarding him with the honor of your friendship? Of course he’s saying he’s “sorry.” Hell, he might even mean it. But the fact of the matter is, if he ever respected you enough in the first place, he wouldn’t have done the thing that he did, because you would mean too much for him to want to jeopardize that. The harsh reality is that you didn’t, so he did. Why assume he’s going to respect you any more as a friend than he did as your boyfriend? I’m not encouraging sending him queued hatemail every Thursday or tweeting his mom about how awful of a son she’s raised. But you need to accept that what he did was wrong and if it was enough to crumble a relationship, you need to know that there might not be enough left between you two to salvage a friendship.
You are dating someone else. Ok, like I said, there are instances where the unthinkable happens— the stars align, the angels sing and everything just really falls into place. Odds are, this isn’t that time. If you were once involved with a bro, unless it was, you know, in middle school and you’re like a soph in college, it’s safe to say this guy is out of the running for bestie-boo material. I’m not saying you can’t pull a stop-and-chat when you run into him on campus or do the wave when you see him at the bar after two three five vodka sodas. I’m just saying that out of respect for your current partner, maintaining a friendship with a bro who used to be inside of you, might be a little inapprop. I mean, imagine if the Jimmy Choo were on the other foot, would you want your guy hanging out with some skank that he used to call a “girlfriend?” Obvi no!
No matter what the terms were during the breakup, there are always going to be some unresolved feelings and emotions attached to the relaysh that once was. This is normal. If they’re lukewarm for both of you, then whatevs, just proceed into a friendship with caution. I always recommend being civil with an ex. I mean, duh, at least pretend to not hate that uglyhot bastard with his cheap new arm candy (think: Sixlets, not Godiva), right? Right.
#mc
