Dear #VV betches,

I was a nerd in high school with a massive crush on this hottie that rejected me. He got my number but only texted/called a couple of times (at 3am, ugh). I totes understood he was not relaysh material and decided to let it go. Fast-forward 5 years…I’m a sexy, sophisticated VV betch (redundant? whatevs) and he ended up dropping out of high school (loser). He randomly messages me to hang out aka go out drinking soon now that I’m turning the glorious age of 21. Although I would looove a quick M.O. sesh with my high school crush, I kind of wanna slap him for being a douche. Do I agree to the “hang out” or not?

xoxo,

Confused Alcoholic

Ps. What’s your fave mixed drink?

Ps. You’ll love this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJQvXCoNDzM

Dear ADD/ADHD,

Let me get your scenario straight. You were a loser, and he was cool. Now he’s a loser, and you’re cool, but you want to make out with him to go back to loser status in the split second it takes to swap spit? What’s your issue? Do you have body image problems? Are you suffering from extremely low self-esteem? Do you want the number to my therapist? He’s great. And really hot. AND FINISHED HIGH SCHOOL. That’s just, like, no. I’m pretty sure people without high school degrees aren’t even really people.

I’m going to explain your sitch to you by using the greatest classic film of all time, Clueless. Let’s say you truly are sexy and sophisticated (I’m questioning this considering your question but I’ll humor you). You’re Cher Horowitz. You’re popular, savvy, you look extremely mature for a 15-year-old and you really fucking suck at driving. This brouche (bro+douche, keep up) is Travis. (See above photo.) The skater-pothead who thanks McDonald’s for his massive amounts of tardies. OK, Cher does not want Travis. Cher never wants Travis. What do you think happend after the movie ends? Cher doesn’t decide to stop making out with her stepbrother (which is sick and totes taboo and I don’t hate it) to go spend time with a boy who gets excited about Marvin the Martian.

Sure, you were a nerd. But now you are a fine-ass betch who takes our advice and doesn’t desperately run back to some wannabe big man on campus. I just met you, and this is crazy, but you’re too good for that. Stick with your social circle, which doesn’t include high school drop outs. As if! That’s a total mis-match.

<333333333,

#kj

Ps. Vodka + Water + Crystal Light Raspberry Lemonade

Pps. Should I feel like a perv right now?

Ppppppppps. I’m really concerned for you so here is a list of therapists in LA. You live there, right?