Dear Vodka Vendettas,
Dating or “talking” to more than one guy at the same time.Bad? Good? What if they find out about each other?

xoxo,

Not-So-Smooth Operator

Dear N.S.S. Operator,

Double dipping into the dating pool is perfectly OK. Double dipping into the tub with Marvin Gaye, bubble bath, and flavored lube? Not OK.

There is nothing wrong with going on multiple dates with multiple people concurrently. In fact, we suggest it. Not only are you raking in free stuff (food, drinks, cars….it happens!), you are also forced to be mysterious. Double dating keeps you from falling into the habit of agreeing to see the same guy every time he asks. Don’t let keeping Hottie with a Body from finding out about Hottie with an Audi stress you out. If they aren’t trying to make it official, they have no say on whether or not you’re eating lunch with one and dinner with the other.

Where it gets tricky is when both Brosephs try to get you in between the sheets, but if you go by our standard rule of sexclusivity (no sex until you’re exclusive) then you will have no problem abstaining.

Just remember, Facebook won’t let you be official with multiple men (we’ve tried), so keep it casual until one man has the upper hand.

#kj

The point I’m trying to make is that we need to stop being soooo obsessed with finding “The One”/future hubby/guy who will be cool with holding your hand when a baby pops out of your vagina, that we totes forget that it is okay to date someone for the not-so-distant future. I like to call this: Opportunity Dating.

op·por·tu·ni·ty dat·ing [op-er-too-ni-tee deyt-ing]

1. Dating someone because of an appropriate or favorable time or occasion.

Pierre (name has been changed due to restraining order privacy reasons) and I met immediately after my long-term, on-again-off-again, I hate you again-I love you again, you’re an asshole again-you’re so perfect again ex and I had broken up. And by immediately after, I mean he was behind us in line at Whole Foods when it happened.

Me: “What do you mean, you prefer peanut butter to almond butter!? Are you psycho? Are you seeing someone else? Does she have peanut butter? Did she BUY you peanut butter!?”

Ex: “Uh, no. Stop overreacting.”

Me: “Overreacting!? Ohmigod, you’re so annoying. It’s over. Bye. Hand me that tofu.”

Pierre: “Are you okay?”

Me: “Absolutely. Make out with me. Now.”

Pierre: “Sure, whatever.” (He was really good with words.)

So then this make-out/slobber/hickey-giving sesh occurred right there in line at the grocery store, and my ex looked totally shocked and totally grossed out and totally ready to propose to me after I stopped making out with the rando and accepted his apology. That didn’t exactly happen, but my relationship with Pierre was amazing. It lasted until he purchased his Seventh Generation laundry detergent and I realized he hadn’t brought his own shopping bags, so I was done. But my ex was totes jeal, and we got back together the next day and then broke up again a few hours later.

2. Dating someone because of a situation or condition favorable for attainment of a goal.

In the summer of 2010 I was vacaying in Miami which was kind of Spring Break-y/Jersey Shore-y to me, but I totally digged the “No shoes, no shirt, no service; No shoes, no shirt, no shorts, no problem,” uniform going on down there, so it was cool. I found my way to Collins Ave., hoping to score the latest Celine hobo bag I’d had my eye on foreverrrrr for two days, when I realized I’d totally lost all nine of my credit cards the night before. I just, like, really thought that bathroom attendant I’d asked to hold my clutch at the club was a legit, trustworthy person. False. I was super upset for about 14.3 seconds until I realized that the salesperson working at the Celine store was straight, and not as hot as me. Perfect. Jean-Jacques (yes, they were all French) was completely into me, and by closing time I had convinced him to buy me the hobo purse with his store discount. (Side note: I would never actually date someone in retail, but I was so obsessed with that bag!) I found out later that Jean-Jacques got fired because he actually stole the bag for me, which I think makes me an accomplice or something, so I just avoid Miami now. It was too hot anyway.

3. Dating someone for advancement or success.

So I fucked my boss. Okay? Get over it.

Opportunity Dating is really easy and super beneficial. If you’re one of those psychos looking for something long-term, like a shared mortgage or 401k (whatever the hell that is), Opportunity Dating is so not for you. But if you need a hot date to your sister’s third wedding, or someone to hold your purse while you shop, or pay for your stuff while you shop, or shop and pay for your stuff while you sleep, then Opportunity Dating needs to be numero uno on your resume of Shit You Do Well.

Stay crazy,
#kj

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Let the Giveaway Games begin!

If you have the pleasure of knowing me personally, you can bank on the fact that I’m always always always usually right. Unless, of course, we’re dating, in which case, everything turns into a game of “we don’t understand each others’ perspective, so why don’t we just fight to the death like we’re in the fucking Hunger Games.”

As a betch, I take pride in the fact that I’m, ahem, usually right. So when someone tests me [espesh a S.O. (even if they’re right)] I have to refrain (like, REALLY refrain) from becoming a defensive bitch regardless of what the topic of discussion may be. That’s when the age old question comes into play— “Is it better to be right or to be happy?” For a betch, this is super complicated because for us, being right IS being happy. Am I right? (See what I did there?)

I don’t like apologizing……ever. And usually…..I don’t. But every now and then, I’ll do something that not even I can defend. I hate it. Like, really. But, alas, an apology must be made.

Oh, and for future reference, it’s best to just not do anything that you even MIGHT have to apologize for (because, hello, being sorry sucks). But, as we all know, betches get caught up in the moment and enjoy the last word, even if those words include, “I’m sleeping with your chapter’s president.” Or, “You never meant anything to me, loser,” when obvi neither of those sentiments are actually, well, true.

How to apologize if you were being honest, but what you said was fucked up:

Awkward. You actually meant what you said to your BF, but what you said was, like, totes inapprop. And in the heat of the moment your filter was nowhere to be found, just like those Jbrands you let Heather borrow two swaps ago (what the hell, betch?).

Shit girlfriends say: “That shitty-ass ring you gave me for Christmas was HIDS. AS. FUCK.” So yeah, he gave you a less-than-optimal Christmas gift (that turned your finger green), but bringing up that tid-bit in June is neither helpful, relevant, or, well, respectful. This little seemingly harmless sentence will not only hurt your S.O., it’ll also sprout distrust and create a rift between the two of you because you obvs LIED about thinking the ring was “so0o0o0o0o adorbs and sweet!”

Damage control: “Trev, I’m really sorry I said that about the ring you gave me. It was obviously not hids or I wouldn’t have worn it all the time. It was super thoughtful of you to get it for me, and I was a total bitch for saying any of that.” Yes, you said some hurtful shit. But, even betches are human, and we all make mistakes (remember that Juicy tracksuit circa 2004?).

How to apologize if you said some hurtful shit just for sport: So you didn’t even mean what you said to him. You just got pissed off and let your emotions take ahold of you (grossssss).

Shit girlfriends say: “You never make me happy!!!!” Ouch. Obvs if this were true, you wouldn’t have started dating this bro in the first place. But if you ever feel like being a complete asshole, this is the perfect go-to. It’s like the little black dress of mean shit you should never say to anyone.

Damage control: “I know I can’t take back what I said, but I hope you know I didn’t mean any of that. At all.” Well, those terrible words are already out there, so why not confess that they literally held no stock whatsoever? I hate (like, haaaaaaaaate) when I do things I’m not proud of (unless I’m drunk, then it totes doesn’t count, right?), BUT sometimes I definitely let the vindictive side possess me, which leads to rude words, drink tossing and fake pregnancies (my bad, Josh!).

Remember: The only thing less chic than being sorry is having cellulite. So if you don’t want to have to apologize to anyone, learn the difference between being a betch and being a bitch.Because, I promise, no one wants to date a bitch.

#mc